I grew up in a family where we knew who God was. We went to church and were involved in church. However, when I wasn’t at church, my time in the Word fell by the wayside. Don’t get me wrong, my parents were wonderful people, but I didn’t make it a priority in my house.
As an adult, I realized that I had been mistaken in believing that I had a relationship with God. I knew God loved me, but I wondered if I loved Him. I wasn’t living life in a way that would glorify Him for Him.
I’m not just talking about my party days. I’m talking even when I “got back at it” and thought I was doing it right. I was still looking for something that would make me happy and fill the emptiness I felt. Maybe he wasn’t partying anymore, but he was in material possessions, fame, degrees, careers, etc. The next best thing—anything to make my life seem more exciting or successful. The only time I felt joy was when these things happened.
Plot twist. . . that joy was very temporary and then, I was watching what was next.
Then things turned around when my circumstances changed. I no longer had the freedom to pursue the things I thought would make me happy. I was no longer in control. I got sick when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was forced to quit my job at a bank I loved. I was making good money and planned to build a successful career there after I finished my degree, which I dropped even then.
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After my daughter was born, I soon realized that my son was struggling and became blind to it. Over the next year, I would learn that I needed to be a full-time homemaker for several reasons. It wasn’t about me anymore. It was about my children.
I had to learn to let go of what I thought my life would look like and learn to find joy in the plan God had for my life, which was nothing like mine. That’s when I learned to find joy in the little things. I found joy in my children’s laughter. I found joy in a cup of coffee in the morning. I found joy in riding with the windows down. I found joy in the way the air smelled in the morning. I found joy in God’s creations. I found joy in simply waking up again. I found joy in just being alive. Something I had lost.
I found this joy because of my relationship with Jesus.
I realized that pain has a purpose. I really believed. Then, once I was grateful for the little things again, I started to see other things happen. I started to see real progress with my son. I began to see that God provided, even if it was in His timing. I found a church that I love so much and that loves me and my family just as much. That invests in all of us. That we can be involved and it keeps me on fire for Jesus.
I found my passion to serve. I discovered that my passion was not just singing and writing songs, but writing in general and telling stories and serving others creatively. I realized that it was about Jesus and that He was pointing others to Him.
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I also realized that my calling is to be a housewife this season. Not just for my children, but to give me the freedom to pursue other things that I feel called to do. I don’t know what else He has planned for me.
But all I can do is live each day trusting He will His way in our lives.
I’m not saying I don’t believe God wants us to do well in life because I believe He likes it when we dream big and make Him our priority. But when we find ourselves wrapped up in that and not finding joy in Him and the things that really matter, I think it’s time to take a step back. I think that’s what God did for me when I wouldn’t. I also don’t think He expects us to be joyful when times are hard. Even Jesus wept. But I think whenever the pain stops, we’ll understand why.